Who am I?

I'm a German girl with a gothy-victorian style, turning 18 in December, going to school until I get my Abitur next year. I love ballroom dancing, drawing, literature and art in general. I'm half American and want to go to Boston or Washington State (or something similar) to study design. Oscar Wilde and Dita von Teese are the closest things I have to role models, I live in a tiny town in Germany where one day is the same as yesterday and 98% of the people look exactly the same and are content just where they are.

 So much for the facts, but that's not what is meant by the question in the title.

It's a question I'm sure everyone has asked before, and will ask in the future. Why is it so difficult to answer? Or is it only me who likes to have a clear picture of herself? Mainly I ask this question over and over again is because I want to grow, evolve into the person I want to be. But who is that? The vision of that person is too blurred for me to actually pursue actively changing.

I've always felt different from the rest, ever since I can remember I haven't quite fit in, even when I tried. In general I don't mind, I desire to be different and take my pride in it, but it can be pretty lonely over time, when there is no one to share all those wonderful and beautiful things with. I haven't always been focused on style and fashion, but since I started I gravitated towards everything alternative, shifting from one subculture to the next, until I found the one I felt the most comfortable in: Goth. For whatever reason the word seems so harsh, and my style is everything but that. I love the Victorian Goth sub-group, and I've always loved that part of history. I love promenading through the hallways of my school and the streets of the tiny town I live in wearing high-heeled lace-up boots and skirts, with my hair in fancy up-dos or sweeping curls, with dark red lips matching my hair-color. I love black, and I love the romantic designs of neo-Victorianism.

I feel beautiful and strong in an outfit well put together and perfect makeup, and I like combining elegance with a dark sense of beauty. I don't remember when I discovered the idea of the elegant lifestyle and the hint of aristocracy. It's not about actually being aristocratic, more about creating yourself and transforming something simple (the average life) into something beautiful and special.

There's something about people who started with little and made their life a form of art, constantly being surrounded by beauty, both physically and spiritually. That is something I want to achieve, especially since I began exploring the world of dandyism and it's philosophies. I share the nostalgia which is often part of the lifestyle. I've also developed a certain elitism, not necessarily focused on social background, but what is done with it. One doesn't choose the life one is born into, but staying there is a choice.

I want to find a world populated with people like this, who ,like me, want more from life, the fine things that make life so much more beautiful. I know it exists, I know that I am not alone, but I can't wait to leave my hometown and find it. I dream of a world where manners and education matter and are not something to frown upon, where people indulge in art and literature, music and fashion, a world of vintage (but timeless) elegance, where traditions and modern achievements are fused to one.

I want to become all that. As dandies personify male style and elegance in looks and behavior, I want to be the female version of that. How is it that there is no sign of a similar female movement? Is it really that unnecessary? I don't think so. Where are the ladies, combining past beauty and elegance with the strength we have? Why is being feminine and ladylike so often associated with the man-pleasing housewife? A woman doesn't have to be masculine to be strong, our sex has traits that are wonderful, even if they are 'typical' female. Being gentle and caring and well dressed doesn't exclude being strong and independent.

I want to be a lady, and a strong and independent woman, I want to be gentle, beautiful and charming, well-mannered and educated, and I'm a feminist. And some time in my life I wish to be surrounded by people like me, ladies and gentlemen, dandies at heart.