It's been quite some time since I've been here. I think this is mostly because I have an idea, of what I want this blog to be, but this idea is dependent on the realization of a another idea, which I have been neglecting. I've always been a dreamer, but sometimes this can (and will) become a problem, not just for my environment because I have my head in some cloud and forget to do things, but it also makes me miss chances I could have taken, not to mention deadlines, and therefor makes me feel like I am failing at being the person I know I can be.
One of the problems I seemed to have is something I used to call "deer-in-front-of-car-syndrome" for lack of a better word. Later I learned that the kind of behavior I struggle with is in fact called "learned helplessness". According to Wikipedia it is "a mental state in which an organism forced to endure aversive stimuli, or stimuli that are painful or otherwise unpleasant, becomes unable or unwilling to avoid subsequent encounters with those stimuli, even if they are escapable, presumably because it has learned that it cannot control the situation". Supposedly learned helplessness can be connected to several mental disorders, two of them being depression and loneliness
, two things I have struggled with for as long as I can remember.
I have been told that my "problem" is that my expectations are too high for me to meet (which I know is not true). My expectations
are high, but still realistic; the problem is that I, in contrast to many other people, have spent a lot of time thinking about what I want and where my limits are. The problem is not that I have expectation beyond my limits, it's that I know exactly what I
could do, but I can't seem to stop sabotaging myself, so I fail to reach my goals.
I am very introverted and have had problems forming stable friendships for a very long time. This resulted in me reading a lot and having even more time to think about myself and the people around me, which is why I have had this vision of who I want to be earlier and clearer than most people my age. I know what I want, who and where I want to be and theoretically I know how to achieve it; and that's just the problem: "theoretically". I am a very intellectual, theoretical person, I am great at planning and finding solutions, but I'm not great at following through with my plans.
I wanted this blog to be a means of reflection for me as I work on becoming who I want to be, but I haven't moved from square one at all. I will have a goal and plan how to reach it, then not do anything and feel terrible about it. The simplest example: I sabotage myself by eating the wrong way. I will try not to binge because I know it's bad for me and I know I'm not hungry, but for whatever reason I do it anyway, often while telling myself it will make me feel horrible and that I know better. I will feel horrible
while eating, but not stop, then feel bad, fall into a state of not doing anything, lying in bed, crying, then eating more, feeling worse and so on and so on. This is just one example; I will consciously do something to make myself feel bad, and will hate myself for it, but instead of ending this behavior and taking control over my life I will curl up in a corner and, well, hate myself.
Another thing is, that while I will feel awful about myself, I seemingly don't feel bad enough to actually
do something, or, at times, I am not even motivated to do anything, even though I know it will make me feel better. I don't know why I have this problem, or when it started, but I know that right now I think I have reached a whole new low, even without depression. I disgust myself so much, but I don't do anything about it.
Normally I am quite good at keeping up appearances, but it has begun to affect the people around me recently, and I really don't know what to do anymore (well, I do know what to do
theoretically, but that just doesn't help me). I am driving people close to me away, backing out of social situations and ignoring calls or messages. I have a misanthropic tendency, and I know the less I interact with people, the less I want to, but once I do I usually feel better afterwards.
I am scared of the world and the disappointment I cause in myself and others. I have always felt that there were two sides in my mind, which are always arguing. One is the very rational part that I usually act on, analyzing the situation and telling me what a therapist for example would tell me, but then there is the other part which wants to do nothing more than give up, hide in my room and never come out. I don't know how to handle this or what to do about it, and the worst thing is having my mind dangling a picture of what I know I can be in front of me at all times, but instead of motivating me it's reminding me of how I am failing on a daily basis.
a take on "femme dandy"